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9 March '98

it's not actually monday, but ten minutes till. and here i am on the floor, finishing up an english assignment. i stopped for a second to move onto the next book i'm researching, i stared at the cover, trying to understand the obscure drawing. the book is called "terrorists & terrorism" (that's basically what my research topic is.) i don't understand it. it looks like a bloody plane crash. combined with another explosion. then it hits me.. i used to have these reoccurring nightmares when i was younger. that come back to me now and then on rare occasions. but they weren't exactly nightmares. it's almost like i created them myself.. except i had no control over them. the best way to describe them would be to call them visions. i dont know. i still cant explain it. they confuse/d me. anyway.. it hit me. this picture on the cover of this book is like a painting of my mind. you cant paint your mind. kinda crazy, isnt it? i used to think of my nightmares as pictures of some wasteland.. with constant accidents. always very grey. while they stayed in my head, i could feel my body shrinking or growing.. specific parts. like one finger or my gums. i'd close my eyes and drown in my fear. i dont know what it was or is. maybe i dont want to find out. mm. well. back to the research. blah.

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