10 Febrary '98
t's the same old story. you have holes. too many. and i just happened to fit into one of them. so maybe i
made you feel complete for a while.
for a while.
tuesday, february tenth.
i step outside to walk to the bus stop. and one of those floods, you know, those mind floods rush and hit me. i must've stared at my shoes too long 'cause they started reminding me of that girl. (how else can i refer to her?) i wore them like i wore her: a mismatch from the rest of my clothing or a tacky necklace i got for my birthday from an aunt who has no taste. the latter is an issue of obligation, isn't it? but there were only a few times i felt obligated to wear her. the rest of the time i either messed up or woke up in the morning with that unavoidable need and longing for a body to grasp onto. it just comes with waking up, which usually comes with sleep. so what could i do? i don't think i made a mistake. i just couldn't find my regular shoes that morning, and i was already late for school. my mother might have thrown them away, or maybe i Misplaced Them. i grabbed whatever was in sight. i don't think i fucked up. i mean, obviously, somewhere along the line i fucked up, but not in making that choice. she was a bit.. clingy. and i can be terribly indifferent. i take what i can get. and get a lot of what i don't choose to take. so when she fed the words tattooed on her lower lip to me, i swallowed each of them with a smile. not because i was afraid of the consequences if i didn't, or because i wanted to, but because i didn't care either way. i don't know where this is leading. how can you fall so many times and get back up? i don't understand it. i don't understand her.
~ mirror in the sky, what is love? ~